Ever argued with your spouse over something stupid? Ever regretted having a long, stupid argument? But, you couldn’t let it go, you had to be right. So, you build your walls, sling your mud, and damage your relationship. Eventually, the walls are so high, you virtually stop communicating or stop communicating effectively.
I’m guilty of all the above. But, I want to do better. My problem is I hold unto stupid things when I should be listening or letting go. But, I do it because I think I am right…well, at least 99% of the time. In reality, my wife IS right about 90% of the time!
All the women just said a collective “Amen!” It is a painful admission for me. But, I have come to realize after 15 years of marriage, that her first, instinctive answer almost always has the measure, the strain of “right” that I will eventually, through much struggle come to realize. Do you know why? because she is a good listener and she is humble. She remembers everything–exactly what I said, where I was standing when I said it, the tone of my voice, and where the sun was in the sky! I loose most arguments because of this.
Husbands (and I can only speak as a husband) wrestle with two major issues that cause their wives often be right when we think we are right: Pride & Poor Listening.
Another “amen!” from the women reading this…yes, I am writing this at my own peril (my wife, Julie does read my blogs). This blog will be used to “remind” me at key times of what I wrote, but I’m doing it for our marriages, our homes, and because, yes, she will be right at that time, as well. What has become more important to me in our marriage is not to “be right,” but, to “get it right.”
Problem #1 : Pride
Of course, she is not always right, she knows that, but men (husbands) have this great need to be right. I’m not validating the “need,” rather I am acknowledging that it exists. What wives don’t understand, is it, I believe, comes out of a man’s need to be viewed with respect. Men are wired this way, a man needs to be respected. As my friend Jim says, he needs to know he’s your “Superman.” Except Superman had a weakness, and so to do most husbands.
In fact, one of, if not the most important, way that a wife can show her husband love is by respecting him, respecting his work, respecting his decisions, respecting his choices. But wait, wives, he’s often wrong. His decisions are often wrong, his choices are often wrong–thus the rub. Husbands, when you begin to escalate the communication, check your pride. If you can do this you can “catch” her stress, the strain by responding gently and softly the fire will go out. Your pride throws log after log on the fire, pretty soon you have a roaring inferno.
“For lack of wood the fire goes out…” Proverbs 26:20
Problem #2 : Poor Listening
Face it men, you are bad listeners. Stephen Covey says, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
There are about 12 of you that are actually good listeners, but the vast majority of men are naturally not good listeners. Men want to solve problems, conquer, claim territority and move forward. Long, detailed and emotional explanations slow the conquering and problem solving process down, so instead of listening well, men listen for what I deem to be the “critical success factors” and draw immediate problem-solving judgments from those. This poor listening creates problems…
The problem for wives: she most often just wants to connect with you her husband and the way she does it is through communication. Short-cutting her communication turns her off, shuts her down and locks him out.
The problem for husbands: often men see communication as the door to peace, problem-solving or passion (sex), which lead to umet expectations, a lack of fulfilment and frustration.
Real listening, good listening promotes understanding. The Apostle Peter (who was married) wrote, “...husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor…” (1 Peter 3:7). Think the accountability from Peter’s wife “uh, Peter, you’re not listening to me…an um, didn’t you just write that in the BIBLE!” Listening for understanding is a way a husband can demonstrate honor to his wife.
Men, your wife actually wants to hear you. You, most often, just want to be heard by her.
Two things that Julie and I learned to use in our communication that has helped promote understanding and aleviate tension:
1- What I hear you saying is…
2- When you say that, it makes me feel… (men, this creeps some of you out, but watch her light up when used effectively)
So, I must thank Julie for helping me to be a better husband, father, and man. I write this because I need it, men need it, marriages need it. She wants “us” to get it right, most often, I just want to be right. Which is why she is most often right!
Alex, what always amazes me is that my wife remembers exactly what I say, including all of the details. I don’t know how she does that. Covey is right, I am trying to prepare the right reply. Thankfully, I have a very forgiving wife who is willing to tolerate me.
Thanks for sharing!
The problem you stated with pride is spot on. It reminds me of when my wife and I went through the Love & Respect series….where we learned that the primary need for men is to be respected and the primary need for woman is to feel loved…and how we tend to often get the two needs mixed up.
From Marta Vann
Well Alex you said it right. I heard you say that pride is a deterrent to good communication, and that poor listening is also a major barrier. Yes, men do want and desire to be respected as well. More families need the blessing of respect. More families need the harmony of love. More families need the healing that forgiveness offers. Keep preaching and I’ll turn the pages. Thank you Julie for loving a very fine man.