Ever argued with your spouse over something stupid? Ever regretted having a long, stupid argument? But, you couldn’t let it go, you had to be right. So, you build your walls, sling your mud, and damage your relationship. Eventually, the walls are so high, you virtually stop communicating or stop communicating effectively.

I’m guilty of all the above. But, I want to do better. My problem is I hold unto stupid things when I should be listening or letting go. But, I do it because I think I am right…well, at least 99% of the time. In reality, my wife IS right about 90% of the time!

All the women just said a collective “Amen!” It is a painful admission for me. But, I have come to realize after 15 years of marriage, that her first, instinctive answer almost always has the measure, the strain of “right” that I will eventually, through much struggle come to realize. Do you know why? because she is a good listener and she is humble. She remembers everything–exactly what I said, where I was standing when I said it, the tone of my voice, and where the sun was in the sky! I loose most arguments because of this.

Husbands (and I can only speak as a husband) wrestle with two major issues that cause their wives often be right when we think we are right: Pride & Poor Listening.

Another “amen!” from the women reading this…yes, I am writing this at my own peril (my wife, Julie does read my blogs). This blog will be used to “remind” me at key times of what I wrote, but I’m doing it for our marriages, our homes, and because, yes, she will be right at that time, as well. What has become more important to me in our marriage is not to “be right,” but, to “get it right.”

Problem #1 : Pride

Of course, she is not always right, she knows that, but men (husbands) have this great need to be right. I’m not validating the “need,” rather I am acknowledging that it exists.  What wives don’t understand, is it, I believe, comes out of a man’s need to be viewed with respect. Men are wired this way, a man needs to be respected. As my friend Jim says, he needs to know he’s your “Superman.” Except Superman had a weakness, and so to do most husbands.

In fact, one of, if not the most important, way that a wife can show her husband love is by respecting him, respecting his work, respecting his decisions, respecting his choices. But wait, wives, he’s often wrong. His decisions are often wrong, his choices are often wrong–thus the rub. Husbands, when you begin to escalate the communication, check your pride. If you can do this you can “catch” her stress, the strain by responding gently and softly the fire will go out. Your pride throws log after log on the fire, pretty soon you have a roaring inferno.

“For lack of wood the fire goes out…” Proverbs 26:20

Problem #2 : Poor Listening

Face it men, you are bad listeners. Stephen Covey says, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

There are about 12 of you that are actually good listeners, but the vast majority of men are naturally not good listeners. Men want to solve problems, conquer, claim territority and move forward. Long, detailed and emotional explanations slow the conquering and problem solving process down, so instead of listening well, men listen for what I deem to be the “critical success factors” and draw immediate problem-solving judgments from those. This poor listening creates problems…

The problem for wives: she most often just wants to connect with you her husband and the way she does it is through communication. Short-cutting her communication turns her off, shuts her down and locks him out.

The problem for husbands: often men see communication as the door to peace, problem-solving or passion (sex), which lead to umet expectations, a lack of fulfilment and frustration.
Real listening, good listening promotes understanding. The Apostle Peter (who was married) wrote, “...husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor…” (1 Peter 3:7).  Think the accountability from Peter’s wife “uh, Peter, you’re not listening to me…an um, didn’t you just write that in the BIBLE!” Listening for understanding is a way a husband can demonstrate honor to his wife.

Men, your wife actually wants to hear you. You, most often, just want to be heard by her.

Two things that Julie and I learned to use in our communication that has helped promote understanding and aleviate tension:

1- What I hear you saying is…
2- When you say that, it makes me feel… (men, this creeps some of you out, but watch her light up when used effectively)

So, I must thank Julie for helping me to be a better husband, father, and man. I write this because I need it, men need it, marriages need it. She wants “us” to get it right, most often, I just want to be right. Which is why she is most often right!

“Mom, Dad, I really, really need it!” Ever heard those words, as your dress was being pulled, your arm tugged or your sleep interrupted?!

Really? Does your child know what they need best? No, of course not.  Most often they confuse their wants with their needs. We as humans are impulsive.

We see, we want. We want, we take.

“The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride“

Ecclesiastes 7:8 (NIV)

1. Waiting teaches your child patience. Impatient parents produce impatient children. Demanding parents produce demanding children. You are your child’s model. Children are by nature inquisitive, selfish, and rebellious.

The Recipe for Impatience 

Questioning + Self-Centered + Rebellious = Impatience & Demanding = “I Want What I Want and I Want it Now!“

An impatient and demanding child has the combination of behaviors that can lead to recklessness. A reckless child takes un-calculated, unnecessary risks that can produce disastrous consequences. Reckless behaviors destroy relationships, shirk personal responsibility, and bring out un-intended, painful results.  How many parents have experienced this in their own lives?

Waiting establishes a process by which greater thought can be exhibited by the child as to the immediacy of his/her perceived need. Waiting allows the child to gain control over their emotions and learn to restrain their spirit. Waiting allows your child the time to think about consequences, outcomes, and results. Waiting is good for your child.

 2. When to “Give In” and When Not to “Give In” — The Lesson of “What’s Appropriate?” 

Remember: don’t make them wait needlessly. Don’t make them wait to “prove a point.” If it is in your power and it is appropriate, then don’t hold back. The key is appropriate. My wife, Julie, describes appropriateness to our children by saying, “this is what the situation calls for.” The language is often above the child’s head, but it helps you reinforce that the time is not right and the circumstances are dictating the response. This way it does not become a personal authority challenge between you and your child. You can then explain what appropriate behavior, appropriate language, an appropriate attitude or an appropriate looks, sounds like.

Acquiescence destroys appropriateness. Acquiescence is the silent reluctance of acceptance. Too many parents have been worn down, aren’t engaged and have become disconnected from their children. Consequently, instead standing firm in their decision or, worse, the painful fighting that soon will ensue, the parent just rolls over with little to no resistance to give into the child’s demand. This behavior only gets worse as the child grows into adolescence. Pretty soon your child has become unknown and uncontrollable. Loving your child does not mean giving them everything they desire.

The Challenge: Does the Parent Know What is Appropriate?

Judging by behavior I see at the playground, at schools, at the soccer field, at the frozen yogurt shop, etc. (anywhere that parents and children are found) it is evident that a growing number of parents don’t know what is appropriate. Responsible parents don’t ignore the legitimate needs of their children. In fact, responsible parents anticipate their child’s needs and help them discern their wants.

Ask your child tugging at your arm, waking you from sleep: Is someone bleeding, broken, needing the bathroom or on fire? No. Then, you can wait a minute.

Teaching your child to wait, in one very real sense, can teach them to be more loving. And who in their right mind doesn’t want to raise a more loving child? We need more love in our homes, in our relationships, and in our world.

“Love is patient...” 1 Corinthians 13:4