How to Have a Happy Home – Take Out the Anger with the Trash

Anger is like trash. Everybody has it. Some have more, some have less. Some know what to do with it. Some don’t. But, it’s stinking up your home and your kids are starting to play with it. Time to take the trash out! 

Building a happy and healthy home has everything to do with controlling your anger.


Parents who don’t to control their anger create children who can’t control their anger.

Control Your Anger 

If you want to do your children, your home and our society a favor, then learn how to control your anger. Healthy and happy homes have parents who have learned to control their anger. This scenario is real and it’s played out very often in many many homes across America. Mom or dad has a bad day at the office, gets bad news or is disappointed, then comes home and takes it out on everyone at home. For some reason they can be controlled in a public environment, but in their home they become unglued and their anger is like a flameflower  leaving charge remains of everything it touches. Even worse, mom and dad can no longer contain their anger over something like a baseball game or a soccer game and they inject their explosion in full view of everyone to the shame and embarrassment of their family.

Parents, control your anger. The Bible says, “A fool gives full vent to his anger (rage), but a wise man quietly holds it back” (Proverbs 29:11). Parents, you become fool when you can’t control your anger. You are dragging your family into awkward situations, shame and embarrassment. If your children don’t become like you and your anger, then they will get away from you when they have a chance. Anger changes the communication dynamic. Your children as they grow will not be open and transparent with you, because your they are afraid of your reaction. Your children should be able to anticipate your reaction, but you need to create a climate in your home of openness and transparency. Anger is a repellent. It stinks. The one exercising it, doesn’t smell it, but everyone around you does.

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Two Types of Anger: Controlled & Uncontrolled 

The Bible is clear, “Be angry and sin not” (Ephesians 4:26).  There is a type of controlled anger that does not lead you to sin. This is an anger that is under control with a flame that is quickly extinguished if it flares up when it should not. Make no mistake, there are things that should make us angry.  If someone injures a child, someone who steals  or someone who spreads lies and rumors, and things that are immoral or unrighteous, then these things should make us angry. Even then there must be a control or a governor on our anger. You are an imperfect person living with billions of other imperfect people, but as a parent you are living among highly impressionable little people – – your children.   The most impressionable group of people on the planet are your children.

Your uncontrolled anger leaves a deep impression upon your children. But, it is the wrong kind of impression. It’s a depression that becomes a scar, a wound or a bent that creates a weakness in their life. One of my heroes, Dr. Johnny Hunt says, “What you do in moderation, your children will do in excess.” This certainly applies to anger. A little uncontrolled anger in a parent, can become a lot of uncontrolled anger in a child. Uncontrolled anger is rage. Rage clouds your vision, limits your understanding and escalates your actions.

Anger is either controlled or uncontrolled. Many people believe that they don’t have an anger problem because they don’t express their themselves or their anger through rage or explosive outbursts. However, these individuals often struggle with the more duplicitous and diabolical form of anger called bitterness. Bitterness is a poison. It rots the soul of the one who is angry. But bitterness is an anger that never keeps to itself–it always spreads. Bitterness is a toxin. It spreads quietly, but deadly through your life and into the lives of those around you.

Anger is a Choice 

No one makes you angry, you chose to get angry. Stop saying, “You make me so angry “or “That made me angry!” Nope, you chose to be angry. You could have chose to remain calm. But you allowed yourself to escalate your feelings. What this means is that you were actually choosing to be angry and choosing to stay angry. This choice will have devastating consequences both to you and to those around you if you choose to remain angry. Blaming someone else is excusing your own inability to control your anger.  Do not create this in your children by telling them that you that they make you angry. Stop blaming people, situations, circumstances and your past for your anger. First, you must take responsibility for your anger and the consequences of your anger.

Don’t Use Anger to Tip The Scales In Your Favor 

Don’t discipline when you are angry. Don’t punish when you are angry. Don’t respond when you’re angry. Give yourself a time out if you are angry. Anger doesn’t solve problems, it creates bigger problems. Anger clouds the vision of the one that is angry and puts the other person or people on the defensive. Too many parents use their anger to “tip the scales” in their favor. We learn as parents that sometimes that we can get results if we get angry with our kids. Don’t yell. Don’t get angry. Get serious. Stay calm and follow through on your word. Don’t make threats. Threats are just fuel on your fire of anger. Threats lead to an explosion. Simply give your children instructions. If they don’t follow through on the instructions, then get up and go see why they didn’t follow them. Yelling doesn’t solve problems. Yelling is a short-cut in communication and it creates instability in the home. When you get angry to get your way, you are inadvertently teaching you children that the solution to some problems is to get angry. You are teaching them to use anger to solve their problems and control people with anger.

The Results of Uncontrolled Anger: Explosion or Implosion

Uncontrolled anger does two things: explosion or implosion. Everyone is familiar with the explosion. Explosions come from rage and outbursts. It is when anger builds up over a period of time or escalates quickly and explosion happens. Explosions create great instability and an facilitate an unhealthy home. The other outcome of anger is implosion. Implosion happens through bitterness. Bitterness is passive anger, where rage is active anger.  A bitter person is actually exploding on the inside, but has come to the realization that they can’t or won’t explode on the outside. These internal explosions or implosions are like cave-ins. Cave-ins block you up on the inside. They block of your thoughts towards others and they block up your communication with others.  Neither rage or bitterness are helpful to building a healthy and happy home.

The Keys to Overcoming Anger: Forgiveness & Self-Control 

For many people the key to overcoming anger comes through forgiveness. Forgiveness is not forgetting that things have happened, but rather releasing the one or the thing that is causing you injury. You can’t do mind wipe, so don’t try. But, try to see things in a new light. As a Christian, this new light comes through Jesus Christ. Just as he chose to forgive me, I must chose to forgive others. Forgiveness means release. In order to overcome anger, to not be a prisoner of anger and hold others hostage by your anger, you must learn to release your feelings of frustration, disappointment, loss of control, failure or embarrassment that are pouring fuel on our pride. When our pride gets injured we get angry. Learn to release things and people. Self-control is when you take responsibility over your feelings and emotions and apply that control to the decisions you make, the words you say and the actions you take.

Forgiveness and self-control help your internal thermostat. These qualities help regulate bring you back to “room temperature.” When you can stay at room temperature, you can see things more clearly, you can control your feelings and read others feelings better. Bitterness is an icebox. Rage is a sauna. Happy Homes are neither iceboxes or saunas. They are homes, where parents and children live at room temperature.

Anger is like trash. Don’t forget to take it out.

It’s stinking your house up, get rid of it. Everyone likes living in a clean house. 

Without fuel, the fire goes out

Proverbs 26:20 

 

 

Leaders Have Followers

The strength of a leader is found in the strength of the followers. 

You are not a leader unless you have followers. 

You are not a great leader unless you have great followers. Greatness is defined by quality, not quantity. Jesus started with 12. Great leaders should look to develop a small, tight circle of outstanding followers, before they look to grow a large organization. 

If you look around and you are thinking that you are leader and there is no one following you, then you have a problem. Your problem might be that you are not a leader. Pure and simple, leaders have followers. So, if you think you are a leader and no one is following you, then you are a lone wolf. The lone wolf hunts alone, eats alone, howls alone and dies alone. There is no such thing as a lone wolf leader.  A lone wolf who thinks they are a leader, might have a leadership position, but this doesn’t mean that they have any followers. A lone wolf leader is really like an independent contractor. They work for themselves, task people for their benefit and at the end of the day will be surrounded by no one. They are loyal to themselves and subsequently don’t receive the loyalty of those around them. Wolves are effective when they hunt in a pack, eat as pack, howl as a pack and stay in the pack. They control more territory, eat better meals and produce more wolves. But, there is always a leader (the alpha) in a wolf pack. Every wolf must learn their role and fit in that role or be expelled from the pack. Wolves without packs are in a precarious position. Leaders without followers are in a precarious position. images-2

Great leaders have great followers. Followers are real people. This is important. Leaders must assess if the people around them are truly following them in reality, not just in fantasy. Jimmy Collins, retired Chick-fil-A President, makes a distinction between followers (those following a leader) and workers (those occupying positions and doing tasks).  Many leaders have deceived themselves thinking that the people around them are following them, when in reality, they were not.

~Leaders must capture the heart of their followers. This is where inspiration takes place. People want to be inspired. A follower is inspired, a worker is not. The quickest way to move someone who is only a worker to a follower is to inspire them. A worker is just filling time and space by performing a task or duty solely for a personal benefit. The only way to capture a heart is to first connect with the heart. You can appeal to someone’s mind or their wallet and never connect with their heart. The leader must demonstrate genuine care and concern for the individual for any chance of a true connection to happen. Followers willingly surrender their heart to the leader when they are inspired to follow. The surrendered heart is, well and truly, the only captured heart. Any other type of capturing of the heart is just holding someone’s heart hostage through manipulation or coercion.

How to Apply: A good way to apply this is to have a one-on-one meeting with the follower. A leader who can cast a vision that is embraced by the follower has the opportunity to capture the heart. A leader that can open his/her heart and have a worker open their heart and share is close to winning the heart. If you can relate a message to your follower and the follower believes the message and then shares the message with others, then a heart has been won. A good test of this is in the request. What can the leader request of the follower without asking, “Have I won your heart?” (that would be entirely awkward, don’t do that). It’s simple, can you stay a few minutes longer today? Can you come in early? Can you help me with a special project? You are asking if they can do more. If the request is greeted with immediate embrace, enthusiasm or energy, then you have probably won the heart. A captured heart can become a loyal heart…

~Leaders must win the loyalty of their followers. Loyalty is a freely given commitment of allegiance from follower to leader. But, this commitment always starts with the leader. Leaders must first give their loyalty to those who they desire to follow them. Leaders must always demonstrate allegiance to those they wish to follow. When leaders take this loyalty for granted in their followers, they weaken the heart bond and create and environment of mistrust and suspicion. A leader must express clear motivation when making decisions that affect those that are following. Without expressing motivation, erosion of trust has the potential to develop. A leader to maintain loyalty must guard trust at all costs. Trust is guarded and solidified by transparency. Transparency on the part of the leader and on the part of the followers.  Tenure is not a test of loyalty. Be careful, just because someone has been around for a long time, doesn’t mean you’ve won their loyalty. Money creates a false sense of loyalty. Leaders have to be careful to test if the loyalty is to the money or to the leader.

How to Apply: The test of loyalty comes in the response. Workers respond slowly, methodically and selfishly. Followers respond quickly, passionately and selflessly. A good practice for leaders is to ask challenging, difficult or new things of those working for them, then, measure the response. Good workers will still get the job done, but their response is a pained response, a slow response or a bothered response. Workers respond to be left alone. A good follower will respond to this new challenge with enthusiasm. A good follower embraces the leaders directions or directives. Followers respond to please. gray-wolf_main

~Leaders must earn the respect of their followers. Transparency earns respect. Respect has to be earned. Respect cannot be demanded. Demanded respect is the basis of tyranny. Tyrants in the work place are bossy, self-centered and egotistical. Leaders must truly serve their organization and serve the followers of their organization. This means they work hard to not only initially earn their followers’ respect, but always work to maintain the respect of their followers. This means the leader’s actions, conduct, speech and behavior must be above and beyond reproach.

How to Apply: A good practice for leaders is to publicly honor their followers as much as possible in ways that are authentic and meaningful. Another good practice for a leader is to not demand the spotlight or demand elevated status in the organization, but share the spotlight and elevate others as much as possible. A good practice for leaders is to be the example. This means first modeling the behavior for your followers. Instead of saying, “Go do this or let me see that.” Leaders say, “Let me show you how or I will demonstrate for you.” A poor work ethic, sloppy performance or distracted attention will cause respect to erode from your followers. Remember names, details, families, and personal interests of those that follow you. This generates much respect. Followers expect leaders to be different than them. I personally try to remember names of people and things about people after just one meeting. I try to give my full and immediate attention when I am in a one-on-one setting. This means I must give my undivided attention to the person and then actually think about them and what we talked about. Also, I try to speak to each of my followers as much as possible making a joke, using self-deprecation or praising the work that is done. Knowing personal life details about your followers is a quick way to earn respect, loyalty and their heart.

It’s not the quantity of followers that makes you great leader, it is in the quality of the followers you have that determines the greatness of your leading. Great leaders have great followers. Every great leader is a great follower, but every great follower isn’t a great leader.

Come follow Me

Jesus

(Mark 1:17)

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(c) 2016. Redwall Leadership Academy.

How to Create Culture

What is culture? 

Peter Drucker famously said, “Culture eats strategy for breakfast.”

We can acknowledge that culture is more important than strategy. Instead of spending more investment on strategy, spend more time on building culture. Culture is centered around one thing and one thing alone: people.

But, that still doesn’t explain what culture is…

Simply stated, it’s really hard to define. I have found many definitions that are scholarly and verbose that try to include every static idea in a very fluid and subjective word. Culture can mean different things to different people at different times, but most all readily agree it exists and it is a key component in the success or failure of any organization. 

Culture is the collective shared ideas about life that shape and affect behavior.

Culture really is a climate that directs conduct. So if you want to change the conduct then you have to change the culture. But, if it is so hard to define, then certainly it is hard to explain and express. Culture is not based on a feeling, an event or a position. All of those elements may play a key role or become a critical by-product of culture, but culture will always be created, kept and recreated by people. Culture is all about people: what they believe, how they communicate, and how they conduct themselves. 

values

Culture is composed of three major, but simple elements: values, symbols, behaviors.

#1 – Values: What you believe speaks the loudest about who you are.

Every organization needs to identify who they are by identifying what is most important to those who are leading the organization. If the leaders do not identify the core values, then someone else in the organization will. If the leaders don’t believe in what they are proclaiming, then no one else will either. Core values must be believable both to the leaders that preach them and the followers that hear them. Core values must be accepted by all of those in the organization or dysfunction will surely follow.

What is so evident is that when a organization does not clearly define “who they are” the organization develops multiple personality disorder. Competing identities will always weaken or destroy any organization.

Values state to everyone in the organization “this is who we are.” And when a member of the organization knows who they are, they also know who they are not. Core Values need to be simple, identifiable and believable.

Most importantly, your values are your convictions. Convictions give consistency to your identity. Many organizations have failed, because they compromised on convictions. Compromising leads to catastrophe. Better to be consistent over a long period of time with short growth, than inconsistent over a short period of time with explosive growth. Consistency produces clarity and sustainability. Many organizations change their core values when they move from private to public, causing a loss of identity.

If you want a stronger culture, clearly identify and articulate your core values.  

#2- Symbols: How you communicate is essential to how you will be perceived and received.

Organizational communication is an element that many organizations overlook or minimize the necessity of the role. Symbols are the formation of the language, brands, logos, and stories that an organization passes throughout its framework. Symbols are powerful. Without them, our thoughts would not become words, our plans would not become realities and our dreams would not be possible.

Symbols in an organization communicate simply and powerfully messages. One often overlooked symbol is the story or narrative. The story is an anecdote that serves to carry culture across generations and emphasize a point. Some of the best teachers in the world are the best storytellers. A great story causes the listener to identify and learn through the telling of the story. Stories are one of the most effective ways to pass ideas of importance to new members and new generations of the organizations. All members of the organization should be able to tell key stories or anecdotes about the organization that reinforce the values of the organization.

If you want a stronger culture, become a better story-teller. 

#3- Behaviors: What you do is the result of what you believe and how effective your communication is.

What you do is important. Why you do it is more important. You can have the best training system in the world, but if there is not a culture that honors and emphasizes training, then the behavior is not reinforced and culture is lost.

If you want to instill a culture of service, then the leaders of the organization must not only talk about serving, but they must also demonstrate that they also serve. If you want a culture of generosity, then the leaders must model generosity. Modeling is one of the most effective behaviors that communicates and reinforces culture. It is not enough just to identify and tell someone what they must do, they also must see it being done. Too many organizations still practice, “Do what I say, not what I do.” Everything rises and falls on leadership. Leaders must be the supreme examples in the organizations, if not they are creating dysfunction by their own example.

The Question

One question I often ask of those developing in the organization is simply this: “Who are you modeling yourself after?” This is an eye-opener for sure. Sometimes, they don’t even know what this means. Sometimes, they are modeling themselves after the wrong people. There should be a healthy lineage of behavior modeling in the organization. I say healthy, because this exists in any organization. If you have a dishonest leader, then trust me the subordinates to that leader are being taught to be dishonest because of the modeling principle that comes through the concept of behavior.

If you want a stronger culture, then focus on practicing behaviors that reinforce your core values. 

People are the key to each of these three culture components. People have values. People see and communicate through symbols. People have behaviors. To create culture you have to construct a healthy lining that begins with your beliefs (values) and extends in how you communicate and the expected conduct that will follow. Without convictions your culture will only be consistent in its inconsistency.

Leaders must identify what they believe, preach it and practice it. If not they have deceived themselves and someone else is creating a culture that is leading the organization.

“Be doers of the word and not hearers only”

James 1:22