Category Archives: Family

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5 Things I’m Teaching My Kids for Success

Don’t count on your kids being successful, unless you are training them both to earn it and then learn how to handle it once they have it.  Failure is a given, success is optional.

But, before you despair there are a few things you can do to sharpen your kids for success. I’m a father of four, been married almost 20 years and lead an organization of almost 150, but I don’t take for granted that my children will just “turn out alright.” I don’t want my kids as  “alright” adults. I want my kids to be outstanding adults. We have too much mediocrity.

These 5 things I’m sowing into my kids lives to help foster outstanding adults. See, I don’t measure success by culture’s standards. I’m their father. I’m measure their success by my standards. That’s why God gave them to me and not someone else. These standards are steeped in the successful historic tradition of bygone generations and the unbending principals found in the timeless truths of the Bible.

1- Work Hard. I actually make my kids do work they don’t enjoy. Don’t mishear me, I never use work as punishment. A child must learn to view work as necessary, not as a nuisance. Sadly, today many children and now young adults see work as a nuisance. There will never be true success without hard work.

Work has to come before rest, before pleasure and before comfort.  Work ethic is learned when children are young and developing. If kids don’t learn to work when they are young (outside the military or Jesus), they most likely will never learn it. Before we have fun, we work. Before we quit, we finish. Assign your kids “necessary work” that fits their frame.

A word about teaching little boys to work. Boys on average have more energy in their bodies. They need to be put to work, especially outside. It’s wired in little boys to conquer, to explore and to push the limits. Nature is hard to conquer. Nature will sap your physical strength faster  than anything manmade or mechanical. So, if you have a little bundle of energy get them outside in the sun, in the heat with a shovel or picking up sticks.

My father used to take us boys and make us fill up holes in the yard, work outside and pick up sticks. I felt like these were the most pointless and sweat-induced jobs, but as an adult I remember these painful, tiring tasks because this hard work at an early age taught me the thing that all kids and adult need for success: discipline.

Work teaches your child a healthy measure of adversity, which they will encounter in buckets full later in life. A principal in hard work is endurance. Endurance is strength over time. Anyone can be strong for a second, but what your child will need is strength for a season.

One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 24:10 “If you faint in the day of adversity your strength is small (weak).”

 

2- Consider others. We are rapidly becoming the most self-centered society the world has ever seen. You have to get your kids to think about others. To consider something is to put it under review. You have to teach your children to think about others and be ready to help, serve or support as is necessary.

Success is rarely achieved alone. And it’s definitley never held alone. We as humans are designed to live in community. A community is the sum of your relationships. When you spend all day as a child on a smart phone, a tablet or a gaming console system, you are training your child to bend toward isolation and separation from others. Make your kids put their digital devices down and away.

Make your kids serve others. When you teach your kids to serve others it teaches them to think about others, not just themselves. This can happen a multitude of ways: at dinner make someone’s chore be to clear their siblings or parents dishes,  clean one another’s room periodically, or any number of things to train your child to think about others.

A Bible verse I used to hear my mother remind my siblings and me was John 13:35 “By this will all men know you are my disciples if you have love one for another.”

3- Trust God. This means not only acknowledging that there is a God, but that He is involved in your life. The biggest way you teach your kids to trust God is to involve God in your discussions about your decisions in front of your children.

Trusting God means you recognize you need God’s help in your life and you request it. Be careful about driving your kids to independence. Your children are designed to be independent of your financial support and shelter in their adulthood, not childhood. But, until you die, your children should always be dependent upon your influence and counsel in their lives, just as they should be upon God for his influence and counsel in their lives. Your children may not always be under your roof, your rules and your resources, but they are never outside your reproof. 

Trusting God means learning to listen to God. Make your children listen to you. If they don’t listen, then there must be consequences. Because, later in life when they don’t listen to God or their employer or the police there most certainly will be consequences and consequences much more significant than what they receive as a child.

The best way to learn to trust God is to take him at his word. His word is what he has already said.  And what God says doesn’t change. This is why he is absolutely trustworthy. What God has said he has recorded for us in the Bible. Reading your Bible trains your kids to trust God, because they know what God has said and where to look for what he has said.

Teach your kids Proverbs 3:4-5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.” 

4- Stay humble. Humility is an exercise in letting others go first. Teach your kids to give their best but not to demand the best. The world demands the best, but gives the worst. A humble person knows that the best is always yet to come.

When life doesn’t go your way, stay humble. Humility doesn’t burn bridges or express every opinion. You don’t need a position to lead, you simple need humility. There will be times that your child fails or gets rejected. A proud person walks away and is worse because of it. A humble person gets back up and faces the failure, the rejection.

“God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6

5- Forgiveness. Everyone can take offense and give offense. Everyone can defend themselves and be defensive. But, not everyone will forgive others and even themselves.

Make your child forgive one another.  When they are little make them apologize and make them say, “I forgive you.” And then make sure they can operate in a place of forgiveness.

Even more important is that as your kids get older, at the appropriate time (not 10 years later) apologize and your kids for forgiveness when you mess up. Kids know their parents aren’t perfect. They also know when their parents are holding a grudge of unforgivenss against them. A child’s heart grows best and healthy in an environment of love and forgiveness.

We need forgiveness, because we are a bunch of flawed people living among flawed people. Forgiveness is not a release from failure, but a release from the penalty and punishment of failure. Often, we say we forgive, but we want to keep punishing the other person. There is a difference between consequences and punishments. Consequences are changes as a result of a failure that may or may not have a definite term limit. Punishment is retribution or restitution for failure, but it has a definite term limit.

Another verse I can distinctly hear my mother singing to me, “Be ye kind, tender-hearted, forgiving one another just as God in Christ Jesus forgave you” Ephesians 4:32.  (I had to add the “ye” because that’s how she’d sing it).

Parents we have work to do. These principles are just as much for we, parents, as they are for our kids. These truths if laid down in the lives of your children will steer your children toward success and away from a life of depravity and failure. There can be no true, lasting success without the blessing and favor of Almighty God. These thoughts and these verses are designed to draw your trust and your child’s heart to a place of surrender and submission to the Maker and Creator of your child’s life.

“It’s easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.“

Fredrick Douglass

 

(c) Alex Vann, 2018

 

 

 

 

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Don’t Be Afraid to Wait

You’ve heard it said, “Good things come to those who wait.” Well, not always, sometimes more waiting just comes. But, don’t be afraid to wait!

Everyone hates a waiting room. Everyone hates waiting in line. We don’t mind lines if we are first, because waiting makes us feel unimportant, devalued and impatient.  But, purposeful waiting has value.

Waiting is a part of life, but it is not punishment. We most often view waiting as penalty. This is an error.  Pointless waiting feels like punishment. But, waiting is powerful when you wait with a purpose. If you need to see the doctor, but his waiting room is full, getting up and leaving is not going to get you the diagnosis or medicine that you need. The purpose of the visit was to see the doctor, the waiting was part of the process. If you need to get your car repaired, a good mechanic will take you, but you will have to wait. The baseball batter has to wait for the ball to arrive. The wise shopper has to wait for the sale to arrive. Sadly, we have grown so self-centered and self-absorbed that we rarely view waiting as a positive part of any process.

One reason that we don’t like to wait is that we see ourselves as the priority. We like to be waited on. Yes, admit it, most people if the truth be known like to be waited on. Now, we don’t want to seem that arrogant so we call it “pampering ourselves,” “taking a me day” or even recently I have seen “I don’t feel like adulting today.”  The reality is we really enjoy being waited on. Now, it can get uncomfortable if we actually think about the other people who are doing the waiting, so we don’t. We keep our minds on how much we are enjoying the experience and what benefit it is bringing us. We pay ridiculous amounts of money to get our hair done, not because it actually increases our value, but it increases our perceived value. We pay ridiculous amounts of money on shopping and getting new clothes, not because it actually changes anything about us, but because it makes us feel better about ourselves. We waste ridiculous amounts of time in and on activities that don’t actually make us any smarter, give us any more wisdom or create in us any more faith. When self is the priority, self is served. Self hates waiting (perhaps one very critical reason God makes his people wait).

Another reason we don’t like waiting is we don’t actually practice the habit or behavior of waiting. What we do practice is convenience, immediacy, and instant expectation. We do this because we want instant gratification. Delayed gratification has died. No one wants to wait for anything. For millennia, people had no choice but to wait. They were dependent upon the seasons, upon their families and their neighbors. They didn’t depend on the government, the news, the credit lender, their employer or the internet. Because they had no choice but to wait, they had to accept that waiting is a part of life–their life. We don’t mind waiting to be a part of life–just not our life.  In order to be effective at any thing, you have to learn to become a good waiter. A good waiter is disciplined, committed and faithful. But, most importantly a good waiter is attentive. Attentiveness is where readiness meets preparation. The best waiters are attentive to every detail and then move with certainty and anticipation. When you are a bad waiter, you don’t anticipate you react because you were not ready.  A good waiter has learned the value and importance of the behavior of waiting with a purpose and acts accordingly with purpose and anticipation.

Another reason we don’t like to wait is we are afraid to wait. We are afraid to wait, because we are afraid to miss out. We are afraid to miss out because we don’t view God as sovereign and faithful. In fact, most often, we live like we want God to wait on us. Fear is a part of life. There is no escaping the fact of fear, but you can be free from the fiction of fear. The  fiction of fear is the feeling of uselessness, hopelessness and pointlessness which causes worry, anxiety and hurry.  Because, we allow these fears to fester, we often live in a self-induced sphere of the perpetual fear of missing out. Social media has done some good.  However, a negative by-product of social media is the constant bombardment of seeing what you think you are missing (advertisers know this). Social media is a clever construct of fantasy for most people. Who posts their bad days? If they do, too often you get annoyed and  you “unfollow’ them or ignore them. It doesn’t fit in our afraid-to-wait-no-bad-days narrative. Social media looking at filtered parts of peoples’ lives often creates unnecessary pressure on you. This self-created pressure leads to anxiety, doubt and premature activity (called rushing).

Another reason we don’t like waiting is because we have been conditioned to rush. When you rush, you are in a hurry. To hurry is to act quickly with little concern for discipline or focused activity. The focus is on the movement not the mission. There are many things in life you can’t hurry and expect success. Ask any baker, any builder, any artist, any musician or any chef if waiting is a part of their process. Speeding things up is detrimental in many cases, actually in most cases. You can’t rush growth. Good growth takes time. Rapid growth often creates a pattern of instability and imbalance. Efficiency is not rushing. Efficiency is where productivity meets responsibility. Rushing is where impatience meets activity.

Maturation is a process that takes time. The world is subject to God’s law of time. God’s law of time is that he set it, controls it and you & everyone else are subject to it. You cannot advance it or turn it back. You live in and with the time you are allotted. According to recent reports, the world is actually slowing down by a millisecond each year. So, although we are speeding up our connections, actions and activities, the world we walk on is actually slowing down. God controls time. You are responsible for the time you have been granted. Waiting is a sub-law of time. Learn to wait and your time becomes more valuable, more useful. If you can’t learn to wait, you will never be effective at resting or at worshiping or leading people.

Effective leaders, effective parents and effective followers will all learn to wait well. They see that waiting with a purpose is trusting God with the outcome, with the unseen and with your time. Waiting with a purpose drives fear away and renews your strength. There are some things that you are not designed, gifted or able to make happen. Therefore you have to wait. God will send the response. Your name will be called. God will send the help. But, you have to wait. Waiting means God is working, most often in you or through you.

“but those who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.“

Isaiah 40:31

(c) Alex Vann, 2017

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5 Things I’m Teaching My Kids About Life

Common sense is on life support. Parents, coaches and leaders better get these lessons into the lives of their children, pupils and followers are this next generation will see the death of common sense complete.

“Common sense is not a gift, it’s a punishment, because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it!” ~anonymous

Common Sense that is becoming Uncommon 

#1 – Life is hard. Kids today think that life is supposed to be easy. Technology has created a digital bubble around people today. Air conditioning, indoor plumbing, the internal combustion engine (which I would not enjoy living without) and the Internet have made our lives much more comfortable than any generation to ever live upon the face of the earth before us. Don’t let you kids get away with the “easy way.” Make your kids finish what they start and start something worth finishing. Quitting is easy. Debt is easy. Lying and cheating are easy. Avoid these things. Hold those around you accountable and let them know life is hard. We live in a hard world. Your goal is not to raise hard children, but prepared adults. Your kids are going to have birthdays, but it doesn’t mean they are prepared for the realities of life outside your home.

The fact is simple: 26 years old is the new 18. It is taking longer for children to grow up. They are aging, but not maturing. Your responsibility, parent, is to foster and facilitate maturation in your child. In case no one ever told you, your job is to launch your kids out of the nest and into the world where they can build their own nest, start a family and be a productive member of society–not a perpetual guest in your home! Life is hard out there and so they want to stay inside your bubble as long as possible.

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Don’t raise quitters. Letting your children quit when something gets difficult doesn’t help your kids. Make them work through it. Recently, one of our children didn’t get selected for the spot on the team she wanted and had been working for. The initial reaction was to have a reaction (both her and her dad). But, instead of reacting, I encouraged to go back to work. I told her, “Things didn’t go your way. You will face much harder things in life than this. Learn to handle adversity now and you will accomplish much in life.” It wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but it was what she needed to hear.

Parents, you have a small window to pour into your kids–don’t miss your window. There is age-appropriate adversity for your kids. You want to shield them from adult-adversity, but there are some things in their young lives that you can help them identify as adversity (hard). Then, help them work through the adversity, not around it. Also, don’t create adversity where none exists!

#2- Life is better outside. Get your kids outside. There is something that occurs in nature that can never happen inside buildings.  Our nation was born of the pioneer spirit–men and women launching out to carve a nation, a town, a farm and a home out of an untamed wilderness.

Today, too many kids are afraid to go outside. They don’t like to sweat. They don’t have wifi. They don’t know what to do outside. When we were kids, we picked up a stick and found a friend. Now, kids don’t want to get their hands dirty. I am thankful (sometimes) that our youngest daughter likes to play in the dirt. She is unafraid of dirt (she just needs to leave it outside). She and her friends love to make “mud pies” and “mud cakes.”

Imagination is liberated in the outdoors. Kids spend too much screen time and not enough dream time these days. Parents, yes, digital media is here to stay, but do the world a favor and limit when, where and how long your kid has access to digital media. Courage is grown and gained by playing and exploring outdoors. There certainly needs to be limits and supervision (too many crazy people out there), but create intentional times to introduce your kids to the wonders of the world that God created. Without courage, we are raising a generation of cowards, which accelerates this whole notion of “bullying” (I’ll save that discussion for a later post). We don’t need anymore weak, pathetic, indifferent and cowardly citizens. We need courageous men and women who will stand upon convictions and fight for things worth fighting for. Those kind of adults are cultivated when they are children to be brave and confident in the face of trial and difficulty.

I built a nature trail on our land, intentionally so that my children and their friends who have a “safe” place to explore. Something mystical and magical happens in the hearts and minds of children who are able to explore the world God created. I have found that kids who are unafraid of the outdoors are much more likely to have a spectrum of healthy fears, not unhealthy fears.

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We have big play parties at our house, where there are two rules: #1- don’t get a significant injure because you did something stupid & #2- you can’t come inside. Now, many people reading this don’t have a big yard or any yard for that matter. Schedule family time to take your kids to a park. A nature trail is a wonderful thing because it reminds you that you created none of this and if you were left in all of this, then you are not as big and as powerful as you think. Outside has a healthy way of humbling us! Nature teaches us lessons about imagination, creation and humiliation. 

My friend Marc Heilman is a first-rate adventurer who embodies this courageous spirit (he just happens to be a world-class rock climber). I see him post pictures all the time of his boys being introduced to this courageous spirit that is developed as we explore and appreciate nature. (Read more about Marc and his world-class climbing facility and company Treadstone at www.treadstoneclimbing.com)

#3 – Life is not about you. Currently,  there are over 7 billion people on planet earth.  Life is far more than how you feel, what you want and when you want it. If you think carefully about that last expression, then you will discover that’s exactly how babies and toddlers think. Common sense has gone out the window and we are raising a generation-upon-generation who think the world revolves around them. Social media has heightened this.

The danger is that we are warned in the Bible that in the last days, “People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy..” (2 Timothy 3:2).  Sounds a lot like our world today that we are trying to raise our children in, doesn’t it? We do not want our kids to be “lovers of themselves,” but sadly this is the course the world is on. Social media had now given everyone to really make an idol out of their own lives. Through social media our “life” can be carefully crafted, constructed and edited to exactly our liking. What happens? We fall in love with ourselves. Teach your children that life is not about them, before it is too late. It is a battle, but it is a battle you can win.

#4- Life is not about more than fun. Don’t get me wrong, I love having fun. But, there is a time and place for fun–not all times and in all places! There are whole, legitimate programs about making work fun. This sounds great to millennials and those who are trying to hire millennials, rather keep them hired, but all this mindset does is short-cut reality. Life is far more than fun. Fun is not fulfilling. Fun is fleeting. As soon as you have fun, it is over. So when your goal is fun, all you ever do is look for more fun. This is a classic sign of a hedonistic society, where everything really has devolved into pleasure. Teach those who you influence that life is about fulfillment. Teach them to serve others, to build things, to create order and worship God–these things fulfill humans at the deepest levels. Fun is all about impulses and stimulation.

Fun is appropriate until it is not. We don’t have to have fun in everything we do. Teach your kids that life, their life is about far more than fun. As a parent, you create intentional times of fun paired with intentional times of work. Let “fun” come after the work is done. While you are working stress the concepts of diligence, harmony, order and joy. Teach your children that they can enjoy work and find fulfillment in work. When I was a kid, I learned to do my work quickly and thoroughly so I could go have fun, not make my work longer and less thorough because I was having “fun” or “gamifying” it.

By the way, it’s okay to let your kids bored. People today actually fear getting bored. It’s a real condition that leads to depression and suicide. Parents that fear boredom create a continuous vortex of stimulation for their kids. It is not good for humans to be constantly stimulated. The body simply is not physiologically designed to undergo constant stimulation. Stimulation does not equal satisfaction. Stimulation doesn’t heighten creativity it stifles it! Because constant stimulation short-cuts rest. The body needs rest. Sometimes a body that is bored is actually a body that needs a break. But, we are creating neurotic kids who can’t take a break and who don’t know how to rest. This is your job as a parent to teach them how to rest–not be lazy!

My mom used to “lock” us outside. Now it was safe and we lived in the country and there were multiple children and she watched from the window. But, it forced us to work together, play together and be creative. Yes, sometimes we got in trouble, but the majority of time we used our brains to come up with activities that fostered healthy social interactions, conflict resolution and taught us how to work with others.

When you force feed your kids a steady diet of stimulation, you are creating unintended stress and anxiety. The average middle schooler now has as much anxiety as a psych ward patient in the 1950’s!

#5- God is the Author of life. Life is entirely too complex and too ordered for us to be a blob or soup of parts that somehow over millions of years perfected itself into this amazing thing that we are. Ever seen a baby grow in the womb or a baby born? It is simply too amazing to believe that we are just a collection of parts. Interacting with animals, walking in nature or observing things that people did not create all have the ability to cause us to be in awe over God. Teach your children that God spoke and life began, God spoke and the world came into existence.

Teaching your kids that God is the Author of Life, then allows you to teach your kids that God is the Authority over Life. See, we have a major authority crisis in our world, in cultures, on our campuses, in our schools and most importantly in our homes. When authority in society breaks down, the society is on the brink of collapse.

Conclusion

Training your children is your responsibility. It is not the government’s, the school’s or the church’s. If God had wanted it that way, he would have given your kids to those entities. The most valuable lessons your kids will learn will be at home–if you spend anytime at home. We need an intentional generation who will raise their children up on common sense. The greatest common sense I have ever found is written plainly on the pages of the Bible. It’s hard to have common sense if reading your Bible is a very uncommon activity for you and your family. These five things will help your family and your children lead an uncommon life with great common sense!

(c) Alex Vann, 2017

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It’s Time to Teach Responsibility instead of Rioting

If we don’t teach responsibility, then we are accepting anarchy. We must instill in our children and in ourselves four deeper virtues that will bring harmony to our citizenry and beauty to our humanity.

“…speak evil of no one, avoid quarreling, be gentle, and show perfect courtesy toward all people.“

Titus 3:2 

Certain elements that secure a healthy society are not being taught any more in our corporal lexicon of learning. As a result, when immature adults don’t get their way, they need crayons to color, “safe spaces” to  process and outlets that involve destroying other people’s property. They chant curses, burn flags and are “too stressed” to attend a class. They have rejected all sense of responsibility in favor of a riot. Instead of being rebuked and chastened, they are encouraged to “express” themselves. I’m sorry, when I was a kid and I expressed myself in a way that destroyed someone else’s property or cursed someone else, I got swift and painful lesson in correction.

“The time is always right to do what is right” ~ Martin Luther King 

Rejection of Responsibility. Parents, you must teach your children to be responsible. What we are seeing in our culture as a result of one group not getting their way, is a giant, collective temper tantrum. Parents, you must act responsibly and make your children act responsibly.

The “progressive” element of our society has rejected virtue in favor of violence, rejected courtesy in favor of cursing, rejected civility in favor of swearing and rejected responsibility in favor of rioting.  There are four elements that parents must teach their children immediately to avoid another generation who can’t handle adversity or not getting their way: Courtesy, Civility, Reality & Responsibility.

The Four Virtues of Reasonable Citizenry 

Courtesy – is the a general kindness with an accompanying set of manners from one person to another. Common courtesy are the set of manners that are generally acknowledge as polite and respectful towards others. Courtesy is not a demanded virtue, but rather a freely given virtue. Our children need to be taught to be courteous instead of cursing.

Courtesy is the true vestige of nobility. To show courtesy is to live humbly. Courtesy is a rejection of self and an invitation to others. To be courteous is to make the world a better place, a more agreeable place in which we find inhabitation more amiable. Courtesy without provocation turns the table on hostility.

“If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world.” ~Francis Bacon

Civility – means formal politeness with elevated courtesy. I grew up and live in the South. We still say “Yes Ma’am” and “No Ma’am,” we hold the door for ladies and let cars go in front of us in traffic.  Do you know that having a young man hold the door for a young lady is a sign of respect and courtesy? Of course she can open her own door! Civility has to do with formality. Formality is a code of manners and actions that demonstrate honor and respect to others. Civility is different than courtesy in that the onus of civility means you may not agree, but you do respect the position of another. Civility restrains the worst of humanity and promotes the best in humanity.

Kids need to learn these things! Teach your children to push their chairs in, to thank their host, and to eat food that someone serves them even if they don’t like it. Teach your children when they go to a restaurant to eat with a napkin in their lap. We are raising young men and young women, not barbarians. Teach your children to respectfully disagree. We aren’t raising robots or puppies, who must follow every order or command. We are training children to become mature adults. Mature adults should know some common courtesy. Sadly, our culture is being stripped of its formality and becoming very casual. Formality is good because it reinforces value and worth.

Your children will disagree with others. However, they need to be trained to disagree with civility. Civility is a controlled respect for others. Our nation just had an election with the electorate falling on extreme opposite sides. However, we must demonstrate a civility to others that we don’t agree with. Civility speaks of a desire to do no harm and respectfully disagree with an amiable dialogue. The best way to teach civility is to train your children to be consistent in their manners and to model the behavior yourself. You are your children’s greatest model. You are training your children towards incivility when you do the following: curse another driver that pulls in front of you, gossip on your cellphone or become demanding & act rude in public.

Civility means you can respectfully and politely disagree and not become enraged or enflamed with emotion.

Reality – means the state in which things actually exist. What this really means is accepting reality. You can’t change your reality until you accept that things are the way they actually are. Reality TV is not reality. TV is not where you learn your reality. The Internet is not where you learn reality. Your friends social media post is not reality. The greatest picture of reality is found in the Bible. Without a proper understanding of the Bible, the world will quickly become a confused and chaotic place.

Parents need to live in reality the Bible reveals first. Then they must apply this reality to themselves and then teach their children to live in this reality. Too many parents are living for a fantasy or in a fantasy. Fantasy is the state in which things don’t actually exist. The fastest way to live in fantasy is to live in denial. Parents must teach their children to investigate, study and to think for themselves. Most people make mistakes when they rush to judgment.

Reality is about perspective. This is why the Bible is so important. The Bible is your perspective compass. The Bible correctly calibrates your reality compass. Without the Bible, your true north will appear to be true north, but in truth your compass will be misaligned or spin widely out of control. Even a minuscule variation with your compass, over time, will keep you from your destination. Your reality is born out of your perspective. But, this doesn’t make you the authority on the way things really are. Now, with your children you are the authority. Stop letting your children create their own reality. When someone creates their own reality, they are living in a fantasy. You must bring your perspective to your children and your children into your perspective. A perspective without the Bible is an automobile without wheels, a ship without a rudder and a kite without a string.

The Bible is the key to understanding the state in which things really exist. 

Responsibility – means that you are accountable for something. Progressives in our culture are teaching that we are to give our responsibility away and someone else can manage it for us. This only weakens our society. Parents, teach your children to be responsible. Responsible for their words, their deeds and their actions.

Every action has a reaction. Every a reaction has a responsibility. The best way for parents to teach responsibility is to hold their children accountable. Give your children things that they can control, teach them how to control those things and then hold them accountable to the standards you’ve taught them. Standards set the responsibility. The Bible is where we discover and learn God’s standards for living. This is why the progressives reject the Bible, they don’t like, want or agree with God’s standards. However, God will hold all of us accountable to his standards.

Let us then, with good intentions and great effort, set ourselves to learning and applying the standards God has set forth for men and women to live with. Let us apply them first to ourselves, our children and then to our government. Whereby, God honors and blesses his standards. May God honor and bless our adherence to his standards.

 

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How to Have a Happy Home – Take Out the Anger with the Trash

Anger is like trash. Everybody has it. Some have more, some have less. Some know what to do with it. Some don’t. But, it’s stinking up your home and your kids are starting to play with it. Time to take the trash out! 

Building a happy and healthy home has everything to do with controlling your anger.

Parents who don’t to control their anger create children who can’t control their anger.

Control Your Anger 

If you want to do your children, your home and our society a favor, then learn how to control your anger. Healthy and happy homes have parents who have learned to control their anger. This scenario is real and it’s played out very often in many many homes across America. Mom or dad has a bad day at the office, gets bad news or is disappointed, then comes home and takes it out on everyone at home. For some reason they can be controlled in a public environment, but in their home they become unglued and their anger is like a flameflower  leaving charge remains of everything it touches. Even worse, mom and dad can no longer contain their anger over something like a baseball game or a soccer game and they inject their explosion in full view of everyone to the shame and embarrassment of their family.

Parents, control your anger. The Bible says, “A fool gives full vent to his anger (rage), but a wise man quietly holds it back” (Proverbs 29:11). Parents, you become fool when you can’t control your anger. You are dragging your family into awkward situations, shame and embarrassment. If your children don’t become like you and your anger, then they will get away from you when they have a chance. Anger changes the communication dynamic. Your children as they grow will not be open and transparent with you, because your they are afraid of your reaction. Your children should be able to anticipate your reaction, but you need to create a climate in your home of openness and transparency. Anger is a repellent. It stinks. The one exercising it, doesn’t smell it, but everyone around you does.

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Two Types of Anger: Controlled & Uncontrolled 

The Bible is clear, “Be angry and sin not” (Ephesians 4:26).  There is a type of controlled anger that does not lead you to sin. This is an anger that is under control with a flame that is quickly extinguished if it flares up when it should not. Make no mistake, there are things that should make us angry.  If someone injures a child, someone who steals  or someone who spreads lies and rumors, and things that are immoral or unrighteous, then these things should make us angry. Even then there must be a control or a governor on our anger. You are an imperfect person living with billions of other imperfect people, but as a parent you are living among highly impressionable little people – – your children.   The most impressionable group of people on the planet are your children.

Your uncontrolled anger leaves a deep impression upon your children. But, it is the wrong kind of impression. It’s a depression that becomes a scar, a wound or a bent that creates a weakness in their life. One of my heroes, Dr. Johnny Hunt says, “What you do in moderation, your children will do in excess.” This certainly applies to anger. A little uncontrolled anger in a parent, can become a lot of uncontrolled anger in a child. Uncontrolled anger is rage. Rage clouds your vision, limits your understanding and escalates your actions.

Anger is either controlled or uncontrolled. Many people believe that they don’t have an anger problem because they don’t express their themselves or their anger through rage or explosive outbursts. However, these individuals often struggle with the more duplicitous and diabolical form of anger called bitterness. Bitterness is a poison. It rots the soul of the one who is angry. But bitterness is an anger that never keeps to itself–it always spreads. Bitterness is a toxin. It spreads quietly, but deadly through your life and into the lives of those around you.

Anger is a Choice 

No one makes you angry, you chose to get angry. Stop saying, “You make me so angry “or “That made me angry!” Nope, you chose to be angry. You could have chose to remain calm. But you allowed yourself to escalate your feelings. What this means is that you were actually choosing to be angry and choosing to stay angry. This choice will have devastating consequences both to you and to those around you if you choose to remain angry. Blaming someone else is excusing your own inability to control your anger.  Do not create this in your children by telling them that you that they make you angry. Stop blaming people, situations, circumstances and your past for your anger. First, you must take responsibility for your anger and the consequences of your anger.

Don’t Use Anger to Tip The Scales In Your Favor 

Don’t discipline when you are angry. Don’t punish when you are angry. Don’t respond when you’re angry. Give yourself a time out if you are angry. Anger doesn’t solve problems, it creates bigger problems. Anger clouds the vision of the one that is angry and puts the other person or people on the defensive. Too many parents use their anger to “tip the scales” in their favor. We learn as parents that sometimes that we can get results if we get angry with our kids. Don’t yell. Don’t get angry. Get serious. Stay calm and follow through on your word. Don’t make threats. Threats are just fuel on your fire of anger. Threats lead to an explosion. Simply give your children instructions. If they don’t follow through on the instructions, then get up and go see why they didn’t follow them. Yelling doesn’t solve problems. Yelling is a short-cut in communication and it creates instability in the home. When you get angry to get your way, you are inadvertently teaching you children that the solution to some problems is to get angry. You are teaching them to use anger to solve their problems and control people with anger.

The Results of Uncontrolled Anger: Explosion or Implosion

Uncontrolled anger does two things: explosion or implosion. Everyone is familiar with the explosion. Explosions come from rage and outbursts. It is when anger builds up over a period of time or escalates quickly and explosion happens. Explosions create great instability and an facilitate an unhealthy home. The other outcome of anger is implosion. Implosion happens through bitterness. Bitterness is passive anger, where rage is active anger.  A bitter person is actually exploding on the inside, but has come to the realization that they can’t or won’t explode on the outside. These internal explosions or implosions are like cave-ins. Cave-ins block you up on the inside. They block of your thoughts towards others and they block up your communication with others.  Neither rage or bitterness are helpful to building a healthy and happy home.

The Keys to Overcoming Anger: Forgiveness & Self-Control 

For many people the key to overcoming anger comes through forgiveness. Forgiveness is not forgetting that things have happened, but rather releasing the one or the thing that is causing you injury. You can’t do mind wipe, so don’t try. But, try to see things in a new light. As a Christian, this new light comes through Jesus Christ. Just as he chose to forgive me, I must chose to forgive others. Forgiveness means release. In order to overcome anger, to not be a prisoner of anger and hold others hostage by your anger, you must learn to release your feelings of frustration, disappointment, loss of control, failure or embarrassment that are pouring fuel on our pride. When our pride gets injured we get angry. Learn to release things and people. Self-control is when you take responsibility over your feelings and emotions and apply that control to the decisions you make, the words you say and the actions you take.

Forgiveness and self-control help your internal thermostat. These qualities help regulate bring you back to “room temperature.” When you can stay at room temperature, you can see things more clearly, you can control your feelings and read others feelings better. Bitterness is an icebox. Rage is a sauna. Happy Homes are neither iceboxes or saunas. They are homes, where parents and children live at room temperature.

Anger is like trash. Don’t forget to take it out.

It’s stinking your house up, get rid of it. Everyone likes living in a clean house. 

“Without fuel, the fire goes out“

Proverbs 26:20 

 

 

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How to Set Your Kids Up for Success in Tomorow’s Workforce

Parents, your mission is to not only prepare but train your children to be PRODUCTIVE members of society. This starts when they are young. If you wait until they are teenagers, then they will absolutely reject your authority in this area.

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1- Start training them when they are young. The earlier training begins, the better. Don’t buy this nonsense that “happy” kids are free from responsibility. Responsibility paves the way for productivity. Irresponsibly produces passivity.

Parent, your job is to produce a responsible adult, not a happy adult, a needy adult or an adult that thinks or acts like a child. This means an adult who can pair their reason with their responsibility which yields productivity.

You don’t train babies, but you don’t let babies train you. Too many young parents who had helicopter parents think that their baby needs everything. A baby appreciates affection, protection, nutrition and a clean diaper. They don’t appreciate thousand dollar birthday parties or five hundred photos posted to Instagram or Facebook.

Toddlers are trainable. No, it’s not easy. Digital media and Pintrest are like the seven real super parents that actually exist on the planet at one time, the other 700 million are just pretending to look good or trying to capture the one good memory they have. Training toddlers is hard work. Your priority of your toddler is not absolute obedience (Good luck with that!), but rather the ability to mold their will.

Dr. Dobson says, “your objective as a parent is to shape the will of your child while leaving his spirit intact.” The spirit is the place of creativity and sensitivity. The will is the seat of decision or defiance. There is a difference. You don’t want to crush your child’s spirit, but you do want shape their will. Their will is the place where they will chose obedience or disobedience. The will is the switch that will submit to authority or rebel against authority. If you want your children to be prepared for the workforce, then they must absolutely know how to submit their will to authority even when they think they have all the answers (especially when they think they have all the answers!).

Teach your child that YOU are the Teacher. They are the student.

2- Ask them questions. Then, allow them to answer. Too many parents operate from the position of “I have all the answers AND I’ll ask all the questions.” This is a mistake. Yes, your position is the place of authority (don’t forget this), but it is imperative for you to allow your child to work through their thought process. By asking them questions and listening to their responses, you do two things: (1) allow the child to feel a part of the process and (2) help align their thought process. Yes, their thought process is skewed, because they have a limited world-view or perspective. If you only ever enforce your perspective on them, then when they are teenagers or college-age, then there is a strong possibility they will outright reject your perspective. But, if you allow them to arrive at your joint perspective, then it the chances of this lasting beyond their preteen years is much stronger. Teach your children to think better thoughts.

Better thoughts produce better decisions.

You don’t just want “smart” kids. Not everyone is blessed with intelligence, but every child can get wisdom. Every child can get understanding. Teach your children, not to pursue intelligence (knowledge entrenches pride in their life), but to pursue wisdom. Wisdom is knowledge born of experience and truth. This will pay huge dividends as they engage with tomorrow’s workforce.

Teach your child to get understanding. Workers who understand better and quicker go farther than their contemporaries. They have to “get it.” Too many in our workforce just don’t “get it.”

3- Read to them and have them read good books. The sooner they fall in love with reading the better. Especially, read the Bible. The greatest source of wisdom and instruction that I have ever had in my life started as a toddler when my mother would read to me and my five siblings the Bible almost every night. We would read two books: a book of our choice and the Bible.

This actually did several things for us as children. First of all, it taught us that reading was fun and a family affair. My mother would always ask lots of questions (which is probably why my reading comprehension was off the charts as a child). Secondly, her process of asking us questions, made us think about what we read and then how we would or could apply what we learned to our lives. Thirdly, it instilled a discipline of reading as something that was normal and ultimately something I looked forward to doing. Fourthly and most importantly, she watered our lives with the words of God found in the Bible. I slept soundly as a child when my mother read us the Bible and prayed over us at bed time.

Reading makes you think. The key to decision-making is your thought-process. So, in order to make better decisions, teach your kids to think better thoughts.Thinking, literally, means that we need to “set our minds.” A child that can think through his or her decisions, will be a great asset to an organization in the future. The right thoughts produce the right action. The wrong thoughts produce the wrong actions.

When you ask your child, “What were you thinking?” and they respond,”Uh, nothing…” That’s not entirely true, they are just afraid to tell you they simply “wanted to see what would happen” or “followed an evil impulse” or “wanted to do the opposite of what you told me.”

Readers are learners. Teach your child to be a life-long learner, these are the real movers in the workforce.

4- Fellowship with families of high moral character and conduct. First of all, be a family of high moral character. Sadly, this is something that is rapidly spiraling out of control. Just because you have community relationships with people at the ball field or school or gymnastics or swim or choir doesn’t mean your family should hang out with them. Just because your family associates with people at events or activities, doesn’t mean you should allow them greater access or influence over your children. I have seen too many parents who lack strong moral convictions, expose their children to the families and lives of families with even lower moral convictions.

When I was young, my parents never allowed us as children to associate with families that didn’t share the same values as ours. My parents wanted to teach their children high moral character and they believed “bad company corrupts good morals.” They wanted their children to be around other adults and children that practiced admirable conduct. Just because someone says they are a “Christian” doesn’t mean they have “Christian” conduct.

Families of high moral character practice accountability. There is behavior that is unacceptable and behavior that is acceptable. These families allow their children to be corrected or held accountable by adults of like conduct and character. This is very healthy for your child. There are no perfect children on earth, not mine and not those on Facebook. The goal is not to raise perfect children, but raise responsible, productive adults with high moral character. The highest moral character that I have ever found is in Jesus Christ. How he lived and what he taught is worthy of total life emulation, both for you and your children. I am not training my children to be like me. I am training my children to be like Jesus.

The other piece is that Milennials and Generation Z are lacking in emotional intelligence. They know how to be social, but they don’t know how to build a relationship. The new understanding of being “social” means you don’t offend anyone’s preference at the expense of your own. This is actually gross foolishness.

Teach your children how to communicate with words and eye contact and manners. Teach your children that “connecting” means more than “liking” someone and a “network” is more than the system that keeps you connected digitally. Your kids desparately need social skills. It’s your duty to socialize them. The internet, televison nor the DVR does not socialize your children.

Teach your children to have high moral character.

5- Make them work–hard. Teach your children it’s okay to sweat. Teach your children that hard work is good. Teach your children that working hard means not complaining about working hard. Teach your children that there is great fulfillment in hard work.

Here is a secret: Celebrate your child’s hard work. Few things reinforce the value of hard work like celebrating the finished task. Don’t celebrate before its over or celebrate that it’s over. Celebrate completion, then rest. Then, praise your child for working hard. No, they can’t work was hard as you yet, but don’t punish them for their genetic composition. I have found that many, many in our society today have a poor view of working hard means. Hard work builds great things.

Working hard means maximum effort combined with attention to detail until the task is fulfilled into completion. If you don’t demonstrate this, why would you expect your child to model what they have never seen?!

This means you teach your children to never quit. Retiring is not quitting. Resting is not quitting. Quitting is the intentional abandonment of a responsibility. Commitment is the intentional maintenance of a responsibility. Chores teach your children commitment. You teach your children commitment. If you are always complain about your job or talking about finding another job, you are wearing your child’s capacity for commitment. Children need models of commitment. You, the parent, are your children’s greatest model of commitment or the lack thereof.

Teach your children to work hard. The world needs more hard workers. When all fails, the hard workers always rise to the top. Why? Everyone else has quit. Celebrate completion.

 

 

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5 Things that will help your kids change the world

Parents are parenting harder than ever.

Look around. Look in your own home. It’s like the harder we parent, the greater the frustration.  Do you know why? Raising children is harder than ever.

The problem with so many of our kids is not our culture. The problem lies in our homes. We are teaching our children by not teaching them. The passivity of parents these days is inexcusable. One of the worst things that parents these days are doing is what I call “The Art of Passive Parenting.” Somehow, somewhere a bunch of parents all collectively started believing that it was someone else’s job to raise their children. This has created this passive position in parenting. And our children are confused, stumbling and even more rebellious than ever. Don’t be a passive parent.

Passivity is “used to describe someone who allows things to happen or who accepts what other people do or decide without trying to change anything.”

This must not describe your “style” of parenting. You need to engage, disengage and re-engage your children to mold and shape their heart and behavior so that they can be valuable, difference-makers in their generation. You are running out of time. Get active. Get involved. Get present. Get engaged.

There are five things that can help you kids change their world:

1- Humility. Kids don’t start humble. They start proud. Feed me. Bathe me. Change me. At first it’s necessary. They can’t speak, so they cry to let you know they have a need. Then, as they develop language, they have be taught what is appropriate communication. You have to actually teach your kids not to be demanding. How do you teach your kids not to be demanding (notice I didn’t say babies)? You deny them. As they get older, you teach them the discipline of self-denial. We don’t have children that know this discipline, because it’s not practiced in the home by the parents.

Here is a crazy rule that on both sides of produces the same thing: Passive parents produce demanding children & Aggressive or Demanding Parents produce demanding children. So, if your answer is simply to sit back and watch your kids develop, they will develop a strong, unyielding will. If your answer is to crush their will, you will create resentful, demanding adults. Neither way will change the world.

The answer is humility. How do you teach humility? Every day. Teach them that the world does not revolve around them. Teach them that they will not get their way simply because they demand it or think it. Life hasn’t ever worked that way, nor will it ever. Teach them how to think about every impulse that hits them. This is why it’s harder today to parent your kids–they are bombarded from all sides with information and impulses. It’s your job to teach them how to think through these impulses and how to deny them. Thoughtful children are humble children.

2- Mercy. The world your children are growing up in is increasingly harsher and harsher. There are fewer and fewer places where they will receive mercy. The answer for the harshness of the world is to teach your kids how to practice mercy. Mercy is kind of like the mixture of kindness and forgiveness. The world will teach your children to ignore issues so that they don’t offend anyone. This is foolishness. When you ignore problems resentment grows. As resentment grows frustration, anger and impetuousness increases.

This harsh world is a judgmental world. It’s laughable that the world loves to quote “judge not lest ye be judged,” yet all the world does is judge who those it doesn’t approve of (especially the Christians who the verse is an instruction for). The way to counteract judgment is to demonstrate mercy. To love, to be kind and to forgive is what the harsh world really needs more of. Kids are awesome at doing this until you taint them with your toxic anger and venomous resentment. Children deserve better. If you want your kids to change the world, teach them how to be merciful to others, especially to those who don’t deserve it. Merciful children are kind children.

3- Responsibility: Personal responsibility is at an all time low. No one seems to be responsible for their words, deeds or actions. Everything seems to be someone else’s fault. You must teach your children that they are responsible for their grades, for their behavior and for their choices.

One of the best ways to teach your children this paramount principle of responsibility is to hold them accountable for what they say, what they do and even, what they don’t do. Teach them that actions have reactions. Teach them that there are good consequences and bad consequences to the decisions they make.

Responsibility also teaches your children the basic principle of management. There aren’t magic fairies that pay the bills, put food on the table, clean up messes or make beds. Your children need chores. As the parent it is your duty to assign your children responsibilities around your home. Chances are if you are reading this, then your children due to technology and the age we live in are living better than every generation that has ever walked the face of this planet. Think of what your children take for granted: air conditioning, the internal combustion engine (cars), refrigeration, indoor plumbing and now the internet.

Give your children chores. Make a chart. Make a list. Develop a system in your home from an early age that assigns your children responsibility. I have seen in hiring students for over 20 years that the kids that came from homes where they had chores, consequences and real responsibility are much further ahead in understanding how the world really works than those who don’t. They are promoted faster, earn raises faster and develop as leaders quicker.

Our world is becoming more and more irresponsible. Parents give your kids real responsibility at the appropriate ages and appropriate task levels and then hold them accountable to fulfilling their obligations.

4- Honesty: The world is full of liars. Don’t let your kid grow up to be one of them. Lying has become an acceptable practice among our business leaders and our politicians. Cheating is now being reclassified as a competitive advantage. Bribery is being viewed as an effective way to get things done. The best way to teach your kids to be honest is to be honest with them yourself. They don’t need the entire story, but they need enough of the story to know the truth. Now, you as the parent decide when to dessiminate the information, but beware the world is rapidly spewing forth all manner of deception and lies to your kids. You better reach them before the world does.

Hold your kids accountable for telling the truth. Even if it causes awkwardness or discomfort. You don’t have to teach your kids to lie. They already know how. One day you woke up and your toddler started lying! You are not the worst parent on the planet– it happens to every parent. It’s your job as a parent to stop your child from a pattern of deceptive behavior and lying. You have to create a pattern of integrity in your home. There is no fool-proof way to correct this, but know that you are dealing with the child’s heart. Integrity and honesty are always a heart issue.

5- Eternity: If your children will learn to live in light of eternity, then they will truly make a difference on this planet. They will be touched as if they have one foot in this life and one foot in the next. Such people have made the greatest difference to their communities, to their world than all others that have walked upon the face of the earth. We must teach our children that what they see and experience on earth is temporary. When we view the world as temporary, we learn to not hold things of this world too close to our hearts or too tightly in our hands.

Teaching your children that there is life after this life is extremely easy for them to believe. The Bible says that it is “appointed once for man to die and after that the judgment” (Hebrews 9:27). If you want to make this life count, teach your kids that the accounting takes place in eternity. This will change your child’s perspective on what truly is important. Eternity is about treasure–what you value and where you store it. And what a child values is stored in their heart. So you must teach your children to guard their heart. Parents teach your kids these verses that lead to their heart.  And then live it out with them until they leave your home…

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and ruste destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.“

Matthew 6:19-21

Let’s change the world one child at a time.

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Parents, Your Kids Need More Sleep

“Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.” 

~Benjamin Franklin

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Hey, Parents, your kids need more sleep.

According to a recent survey, children these days are averaging over an hour less of sleep a night than 30 years ago. This is creating a wealth of problems not a healthy child.

The notion that your kids will “catch up” on sleep this weekend is a foolish notion that makes little sense and even less of a healthy child. When you “catch up” on sleep you are creating an abnormal sleep cycle. An abnormal sleep cycle messes with the innate physiological clock that exists in every person. Children need this clock to function as normally, as scheduled as possible. Catching-up on sleep is like winding your clock forward, then backwards, then forward, then the alarm going off, then backwards again…it’s a terrible cycle for a clock, even more for a child.

Bottom line: Children need consistent, scheduled sleep.

Why?

They are growing. Growing children need enough sleep each night to assist their body in maintaining peak health. They are growing physiologically, mentally and emotionally. The National Sleep Foundation says that children ages 6 to 13 need an average of 9 to 11 hours of sleep every evening. I once had a child I was coaching in basketball brag to me how he stayed up all night playing video games. We were about to play a game, and I said, “I know you think  I’ll be impressed that you haven’t gone to sleep all night, but I’m not.” Of course, he played even extra worse than he normally did. Sleep deprivation makes children cranky, uncoordinated, sluggish, un-alert and not mentally sharp.

Your body is not designed to function without sleep. Sleep deprivation is a torture technique! If you are an adult and need your rest, how much more do you children need it?

I am often appalled at what I hear about bedtimes of children. Maybe, no one has told you, but your children need more sleep and less video games. Video games, iPads and tv’s aren’t your children’s parents. Completing the next level doesn’t denote bedtime–you the parent do.You, the living and breathing adult, are the parent. It is your responsibility to train your child. A properly trained child is a properly prepared child. A home where training is haphazard, lackadaisical and arbitrary is an un-disciplined and disordered home. Your children need structure, order, discipline, nutritious food and sleep. Parental neglect is at an all-time high. We need to reverse this cycle and return parental engagement to its rightful place! 

A proper ending to one day is instrumental in a proper beginning for the next day.

 

Don’t use this excuse: “Mom and Dad, but I’m just not tired.” Children think they aren’t tired and you believe them and you both are wrong!  This happens more frequently now because we are allowing our children to be stimulated differently. Now, their brains have been overstimulated by digital distraction creating a catatonic euphoria. This digital distraction creates an overstimulation in the mind that betrays the physiological need for the body to rest. The body doesn’t get the rest it needs and this affects the next day and the day after that (ever experienced jet-lag?). This is like jet-lag for kids without the expensive plane ticket.

Your child needs physical stimulation more than digital stimulation. I am not against video games (as a hobby, not a lifestyle). But, prolonged digital activity does not promote a healthy lifestyle. Spending all afternoon and evening playing video games does not expend the energy your child needs to burn in order to help him/her get a good night’s rest.

Don’t use this excuse: “My child doesn’t require as much sleep.” Normally, this is a cover-up or just blind ignorance by the parent. Children are all made the same way, all have the same growth cycle and all grow generally in the same way. Your child is not an exception. This excuse probably means that your child can’t calm him/herself down to sleep. The primary culprit: anxiety. Children are facing more pressure and experiencing more anxiety than previous generations. Children’s exposure to horror movies and video games, pornography, violence, bloodshed, sexually provocative scenes, anger and massive swings of adrenaline are all keeping your kids awake at night. Add in the pressures of mean kids at school, homework and extra-circular activities, your children are exposed more today than ever before.

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Hints at Helping Your Child Sleep Better:

–Parents must act as their child’s guardian angel. This means, parents put your children to bed until they leave your house. Make bed-time a special ritual in your home. Don’t rush it, yell or totally disregard it. Make bed-time a treasure-time. It will be magic for you and your kids (and really your grandkids one day too). Make bed-time a safe time. The more secure your child feels, the better they will sleep.

3 S’s of Bedtime: 

  1. Structured. Routines are good for kids. Structure demonstrates priorities. Make your child’s sleep a priority. The structure is also teaching your children responsibility and stewardship. When children know what’s expected of them, then they can be held accountable. Structure is good for growing children. Bedtime is no exception. Bedtime needs to be a structured time.  
  2. Safe. Children that feel safe sleep more soundly and securely. Your children need to feel safe and be safe at bed time. Make sure you address any fears your child has. Fix their room so they feel physically safe. Don’t tell ghost stories or talk about scary stuff before bed time. Bedtime needs to be a safe time. 
  3. Special. Connect with your children at bedtime. They are not sheep to put in a pen at bedtime. They are your God-given offspring who will one day be putting your grandkids to bed. Make bedtime a magical, special time. If you rush bedtime you are disconnecting with your children. Bedtime doesn’t need to last forever, but make it special. Do special things that your children will remember for a lifetime. Bedtime needs to be a special time.

–Read a bedtime story and a Bible story to your kids at bed time. Reading relaxes the mind. Even better, when the reading stretches the mind toward heaven or towards some far away distant land or distant time. Children often dream of the last things they hear or see–make them positive images or thoughts.

–If you have given your kids electronic devices, don’t allow them in their rooms at night. Make your kids “check” them in with you at bed time. Your kids don’t need electronics at or after bed time.

–Wind them down, don’t stir them up. Don’t give your kids too many extra charges of adrenaline at bed-time. It makes it harder for them to go to sleep. I am terrible at this. I love stirring my kids up, then when I’ve had enough, I try to make them go to sleep. This formula never works well!

–Teach them how to pray beyond “Now I Lay Me”. Teaching your child to prayer is the most effective way to teach them how to overcome nightmares and bad dreams. Teach your child that they can wake up in the middle of the night and God will still hear their prayers. This is an effective way to help a child go back to sleep. Prayer is an extremely good promoter of sleep.

–Actually, pray with them at bed time. Get on your knees beside your child’s bed and pray with them. This helps the security of your child’s mind and spirit rest easier. Children trust in God until you or the world teach them not to.  You want to leave a powerful image in your children’s mind as they grow up: kneel with them at bed time.

–Give your child a big hug and kiss at bed time. Your children need healthy affection. Your hug and kiss gives your child needed healthy affection. It is instilling a deep value in your child: your love. A hug and kiss communicates to a child’s heart that you love and value them–that they are accepted.

–If you discipline your child at bedtime, then make up with them before they go to sleep. Don’t let your child wonder, “Do Mommy and Daddy still love me?” It is your job as a parent to restore and “right” the relationship with your child. A right relationship with your children help them sleep better.

-Don’t fight at night in front of your children. When you yell and scream and throw and break things or worse, your children will not sleep well. Learn how to communicate or go to counseling, but all your anger is damaging your children.

–Create a peaceful, ordered home. Children will drop from exhaustion anywhere, but they will go sleep better if their home is ordered. An ordered environment promotes peace. When things are dirty, cluttered and messy a child gets use to it, but it’s not actually helping the child to sleep. I have found that disordered homes often have disordered sleep. Sleep works best on a schedule. A schedule requires order.

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A good night’s sleep does a world of good. It will do your child a world of good. And your child might just do more good in the world! Promote peace. Promote sleep for your child. Make your child’s sleep a priority.

“In peace I will both lie down and sleep, For You alone, O LORD, make me to dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8

(c) Redwall, LLC. 2016

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How to Prepare Your Kids for the Future

“We may not be able to prepare the future for our children, but we can at least prepare our children for the future“

~ Franklin D. Roosevelt~

Your kids are a facing a world more difficult than the one you grew up in. If you are a grandparent, then your grandkids are facing a world 1o times more difficult than you did. It’s hard to predict or project what might occur tomorrow, much less in a decade or two from now. But, don’t worry, you don’t need a glimpse into the future in order to prepare you kids today. Preparation can be difficult work. But, preparation today makes for prosperity tomorrow.

What can I do today to prepare my children for tomorrow? 

1 – Model hard work. You are responsible for the work ethic that your child will grow up with. Work ethic is not an inherited or endowed trait. No, work ethic is most often a modeled behavior. When children see their parents or parent working hard, it instills in the child an invisible imprint of what hard work is supposed to work like. I have interviewed countless young men and women who have stated that their single parent, almost always a mother, was their model of a good hard work. Children need to see their parents work hard, but parents also need to engage the child to join in the work. I am not talking about abusing your children with impossible adult tasks, but rather, the enlistment of your child to join a task and fulfill it unto completion. Invite your child to start a project with you–something that requires patience, perseverance and discipline to finish. 

2 – Finish what your start & start something worth finishing. This is called follow-through or better yet, commitment. Because parents are highly committed people these days, a climate in our homes of casual commitment is now the norm. This is where parents are massively slipping in today’s “what’s in it for me culture.” Make your children work a commitment through completion. Starting what you finish teaches the child to select things that they will ultimately have to be held accountable for. Children need to have real responsibility. Responsibility needs to grow with your child. Give them chores. Give them responsibilities around the house. Parents, stop modeling early-exits, half-way jobs and lackadaisical labor.

3- Teach them critical thinking, not criticism. Now, I didn’t say, teach them to be critical. We have enough critical and mean-spirited people in the world. In fact, it doesn’t take much to make people into critics and complainers. But, a critical thinker is one who learns to mentally examine something beyond the first reaction. Critical thinkers learn to think for themselves. They can construct reasonable arguments and demolish fallacies. The world does not need more puppets and pawns. Our world needs boys and girls who grow up into men and women who have the ability to analyze things for themselves and make an informed decision. Teach your children to think circumspectly about circumstances, situations and adversity.

4-  Teach your kids to do their homework. Kids hate homework. Parents hate when kids bring homework home! It becomes parent punishment. Doing their homework is not an option and should almost always be done before anything else–no video games, internet or social media until their work is done. This teaches your children that you are not to show up to a meeting, an assignment or a project unprepared as an adult. This lesson will come up later in life, when your child, now an adult, will need to understand that successful people put forth effort outside of their place of work. But, this is more than just about “work” this is about putting for the effort to investigate what they are doing. Doing your homework teaches your child to be the most prepared person in the room as an adult. Preparation is a significant key to success. 

5 – Read the Bible and other good books. My mother always said, “Readers are leaders and leaders are readers!” I would add that “readers are often the over-achievers!” Reading someone else’s thoughts have the power to mold, filter and sharpen your own thoughts. Reading the Bible and other quality books have a way to help us calibrate our minds.

Do you want your child to be well-rounded? Then model and instruct them to read. Start with the Bible. The Bible has been God’s instruction manual for over 5,000 years. It has served every generation that has trusted it’s words and applied them to their leadership and lifestyles with some of the most remarkable results the ever has ever heard. The Bible is the Great Book. There is none other like it, nor will there ever be. Abraham Lincoln knew the greatness of the Bible,

“In regard to this Great Book, I have to say it is the best gift God has given to man. All the good the Savior gave to the world was communicated through this book. But for it, we could not know right from wrong. All things most desirable for man’s welfare here and hereafter are to be found and portrayed in it.”

Abraham Lincoln was right that “all things most desirable for man’s welfare” are contained in the pages of the Bible. Parents, do not neglect to read and teach your children the Bible. Begin with the Bible stories. Learn to love together the Bible with your children. Don’t assume they will discover the awesomeness of the Bible on their own. The world is against your child reading the Bible. If it’s not important to you, then why would you expect it to be important to them.

6. Teach your children to face adversity, not flee from it. Basically, teach your kids to be courageous. We have more cowards in the world than we need. We need our boys and girls to be courageous as children and grow into courageous adults. Teach your kids to be brave. Instill bravery into your kids, not recklessness. Courage counts the cost and moves forward with responsibility. Recklessness counts nothing and crashes forward with irresponsibility. The way to deal with adversity is to work through it, not walk around it. Walking around it is a form of denial and will produce greater problems in the future.

7. Teach your children to be good stewards, not good spenders. Stewardship is another word for management. Good stewards understand that their management leads to maximization.  Children need to learn to maximize what they have. This comes from a heart that is appreciative what has been received. Sadly, too many parents are terrible stewards, racking up credit card debit to satisfy their desire to keep up with everyone else (good at spending, bad at stewarding). Let me give parents a clue...everyone else is in debt too! (not everyone of course). Being a good steward/manager means learning to live at your means. Live with what God has provided. Stop trying to be like the people with the house on the hill, because those people are trying to be like the people on the next hill. Good stewards although ambitious, learn the secret of contentment. Teach your children to be satisfied and thankful of what they do have, not what they don’t have. Stewards are savers not spenders. Stewards are investors not gamblers.

The world grows more difficult. Prepare your children now for what they will face later. Your children are a blessing not a burden. How are you treating them?

“Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.”

Deuteronomy 4:9

(c) Redwall, LLC. 2016

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7 Sayings Your Kids Aren’t Hearing Anymore

Parents and Grandparents listen up. There are some “common sense” expressions of truth that your children and grandchildren simply aren’t hearing anymore. In love and wisdom, make sure you are speaking these principles into the lives of your children.

#1: Life’s not fair. Only recently did we start hearing that life was supposed to be fair. My entire childhood and for every generation before me that I have interviewed, I always heard said “life’s not fair.” Hey, news flash, nothing has changed. There is no government, no law, no ordinance, no legislation, no system that can ensure absolute fairness. In fact, beware of those who do, because chances are they are simply redistributing what doesn’t belong to them to others to ensure their own position. Teach your children that bad things happen to good people, there are winners and losers, and nice guys don’t always finish first. Train your children that we live on a fallen planet. Because we live on a fallen planet, we live on an unfair planet. I met only one person who was fair almost all of the time: my mother. But, just about everyone else I have ever met has a bent or bias built into them as well (my mom did too, but she did not want to show partiality to any one of her six children…maybe, until her last baby boy came along!). Teach your children how to work hard not to expect life to be fair. 

#2: Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You. In case you didn’t know this is called the “Golden Rule.” It has served well every generation of people who have ever believed it and practiced it. And did you know… it actually comes from the Bible. It simply means, treat people the way you would want to be treated. This is the solution to the nonsense of “fairness.” The Golden Rule puts a value on all people and helps you value people even when you don’t like them. The Golden Rule is what Jesus taught and demonstrated when after being beaten and hung on a cross to die, he looked at the very men who abused him so unjustly and said, “Father, forgive them.” Parents you best teach this by modeling it. Model it with your boss, your spouse, and the jerk who cuts you off on the highway. The Golden Rule is Matthew 7:12 “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.” The Golden Rule teaches your child to monitor and manage their own conduct and to respect those around them. 

William Wilberforce, the man whose deep convictions led him to lead the charge to eradicate slavery in the British Empire said,

“Let everyone regulate his conduct by the golden rule of doing to others as in similar circumstances we would have them do to us, and the path of duty will be clear before him.”

#3: Honor Your Father and Your Mother. Respect for parents and grandparents is at an all time low. The disrespect among the youth of this nation is rapidly getting out of hand. Teaching your children to honor their elders is an absolute necessary pillar in any successful society. Honor is best taught and modeled in the home. Sadly, so many of our homes are broken and full of dishonor. When a husband honors his wife and a wife honors her husband in front of their children they send powerful messages to their children about authority. This rule is actually one of the Ten Commandments and the only one with a promise. The promise was a long life. Submission to authority leads to civility, honor and peace. Rejection of authority leads to confusion, chaos and anarchy. One reason I love living in the South is that many of our children (even grown) still say “Sir” and “Ma’am” when addressing their elders. It is good for children to address their elders as elders. Children need to honor their parents their entire lives, even as adults.

#4: Count Your Blessings. Sadly, too many people these days are counting their neighbor’s blessings and bemoaning the fact they feel they are missing out. This goes back to the “life’s not fair” rule–not everyone gets what everyone else has. I remember an older man who had poor vision, a messed up back, diabetes, and swollen painful feet. I asked him how he was doing? He responded, “Great! Every day I wake up is a great day.” I said skeptically, “Really?” He replied, “Many people would ask God, ‘Why me?’ I simply say God, ‘Why not me?’ It puts things in perspective for me. Someone always has it worse than you do. Count your blessings, I do.” I’ll never forget that conversation on the back row of a little Baptist Church with one of my elders. Teach your children to count their blessings. Help them understand how God has blessed America and how God has blessed your family. They need to hear this, a lot! Counting your blessings will teach your children to appreciate what they have an instill an attitude of gratitude.

#5: Nothing in Life is Free. I remember seeing commercials or advertisements as a child of “FREE” and hearing my father say, “nothing in life is free.” It was a statement of fact. Then my brother and I would try to figure out how much it cost, who paid for it or who was going to pay for it. I have remembered this lesson my entire life. Someone somewhere somehow someway has paid for that thing you call “free.” This saying teaches your children to look deeper into things and look for the strings that are attached. And it teaches your children that there are some really generous people out there that deserve their appreciation. Make your children thank those that do things for them. Lead your children in this in your home, at your church, at school and in your vocation. Teach your children to count the cost. It will help them develop greater critical thinking skills and weigh their own decisions before they make them.

#6: Finish What You Start – Don’t Do Things Half-Way. My parents would not let their children quit if they had started something or do a task half-way. I remember many times starting to lose a basketball game with my brothers and wanting to walk off and quit, but my father literally making me finish my losing effort. It was humiliating to me. If your children don’t learn humility in your home, it will be an even more painful lesson the world will teach them. But, it taught me to finish what I started. Teaching your children to finish what they start teaches them how to be committed. And we need commitment in our churches, marriages, relationships and jobs like never before. Commitment is imperative for your child to succeed in life. This rule also teaches your children to persevere and endure. These are critical qualities that they will need when adversity comes into their lives—and it will come. Finish what you start.

#7: In God We Trust. Teach your children that God is real, He is invisible and He sees everything. Teach your children that You are trusting in God. God is not the cosmic grandfather in the sky or the Big Man Upstairs. God is real and He is personal. God speaks to us through the Bible. Teach your children the value of the Bible. But, if you don’t read it, live it and love it…why would you expect your children to? The Bible teaches us who God is, how to know God and how to live in a way that pleases God. Trusting God also means fearing God. We need to teach our children, parents, that we fear God. Because we fear God, who is holy and sinless and absolutely loving, we want to please Him and be acceptable to Him. Therefore, we live in light of God’s instructions found in the Bible. Teach your children to trust in God. Don’t drop them off at church and expect someone else to do it. Read them the Bible stories when they are little. Then, when they are older read them the actual Bible and ask them questions. You will be surprised how easy it is for them to remember and how much they learn. It is completely natural and normal for children to believe in God. Why? Because children in their innocence have a purer capacity for faith. Tell a child there is God and they will believe. It is only until you harm them, abuse them, neglect them, manipulate them, confuse them, injure them or brainwash them that they stop believing. The child’s conscience has a great capacity to believe in God. It is only when sin cauterizes and desensitizes the conscience does our capacity toward faith diminish.

Build these expressions of life into the lives of your children. We need more responsible, harder working and more deeply committed men and women walking this planet. We as parents must be diligent and disciplined in building truth into our children’s lives. Don’t buy-in to the nonsense that children need to discover their own brand of truth. God placed you in the position of authority in their lives: He made you the parent and them the child. Don’t forget this order. You are to train them. I pray this helps in some way for your home today.

“Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it”

Proverbs 22:6