Children need training.

Without training children do grow, but they grow restless, discontent, unmotivated, lazy, arrogant and worst of all—self-centered!

Certainly, not your children. It’s those other kids at the playground, in the principal’s office or Chick-fil-A’s playground that have thrown themselves on the ground, can’t stop hitting other children, and that have a blatant, defiant disregard for any and all order, especially their parent’s.

Since those aren’t your kids, let’s walk through a few “don’ts” and “do’s” in regards to what you will and won’t allow your kids to do or you will or won’t subject your kids to through your brand of parenting.

You do have a brand of parenting. Your primary model was your own parents or the lack thereof. You cannot go back and undo what you were subjected to and experienced as a child, but you can start today molding and modeling for your children—and even for other children at the playground, park or restaurant playplace.

The following are a few examples that can and will help you model and mold your child, so that as he or she grows they grow emotionally healthy, disciplined, and well-adjusted.

#1 – Don’t give into your children’s demands, but do seek to meet their needs. Too many children have taken their parent’s hostage by their demands. I see it everywhere I go. Little Prince has turned into Little Emperor! Little Princess has turned into the Queen of the World! Parents must not cater to their children’s every demand. Children by their nature have a measure of foolishness, folly and defiance bound up in them.

They are learning through experience, so they will test the limits, they will test boundaries. It is evident that many parents themselves haven’t figured out what is appropriate and what is not. Parents, it is appropriate to meet your child’s needs, it is not appropriate for your child to rule in your home (unless he/she is a newborn baby, but that will pass).

Too many parents are actually making demanding children because they are trying to give the child what “they never had when they were a kid.” This is stupid, you probably didn’t have it for a reason. No amount of stuff will ever make your kid love you more. Stuff only needs more stuff. Your child needs you. Don’t substitute awesome stuff for your awesome time. And when you give yourself, give your undivided self. It’s better to do stuff with your child, than give them stuff. Because, it is in the “doing” they learn more from you than in the “thing” you give them. (For the record I am not advocating never giving them presents, gifts, etc. that show your love. Just make sure the gifts are the only thing that says “I love you,” ‘You are valuable,” and “I’m glad you are my kid!”

#2 – Don’t allow them to run wild, but do provide for them opportunities for adventure! Healthy children by nature are curious. Children need outlets for adventure. A true adventure has the measure of fear, fun, and failure. Fear because the child will experience something beyond what they know and there is risk involved (make sure safety is a priority). Fun because if it’s not you and your child will be miserable. Failure because, your child must not win at everything. The strongest measure of success often come from a foundation of failure. Children need to experience the outdoors. We have Family Adventures. Hiking, camping, boating, sleeping in a tent, biking, making tents in your living room, riding bikes down new trails, family road trips with unplanned stops (beware of the weirdos) are all examples of what we have done as a family. A field is the perfect place to allow your kids to “run wild,” the restaurant, the church fellowship hall, the department store, the grocery store are not places children should be “running wild.” Figure out what works for your family and tell your kids, “today, we are going on an adventure!” Watch the magic happen in these occasions.

#3 – Don’t excuse defiance or disrespect as cute, but do teach them to respect your authority as the parent. The parent should be the authority in the home, not the child. There must be clarity in regards to authority, role, actions and consequences. Too many parents are growing afraid of giving children consequences for their actions. When disobedience, defiance and disrespect transpire, there needs to be consequences that follow. If not the seeds of rebellion in the child’s heart take deeper root.

Some consequences will require punishment. Starting with a warning is often fine. The punishment should fit the crime! Parents that are both too lenient and too excessive reinforce the seeds of rebellion. You need to make sure the child heard and understood what they disobeyed, how they disrespected or how they were defiant. You have consequences to shape the child’s heart not crush their spirit.

If you discipline when you are angry, you erode your authority as the child ages. But, if you are controlled and calm when you discipline, you then reinforce your authority in your child’s life. Too many parents laugh at totally inappropriate and disrespectful behavior in their children or they laugh in the presence of other children’s inappropriate behavior. All you are doing is weakening your authority (you may need to go lock the door in the bathroom and go laugh your head off).

Also be a parent that follows through. I have made too many empty threats (if you don’t, I will….for the rest of your life) that my children learned over time that I would never enact. Empty threats weaken your authority. Don’t threaten your child. Warn your children. Because, warnings have consequences if not headed. If you say that “x” will happen if the child does “y,” then you must follow through.

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” Proverbs 22:6 

Is this helpful? Part 2 of “Don’ts” coming soon…

Disclaimer: I am not an expert. I am not a perfect parent. I was not raised a perfect child. But, I have a great wife and wonderful parents! I was raised by a father and mother who have been married for over 40 years who had six children (5 boys & 1 girl) and my wife and I have four children (1 boy & 3 girls).