Stop Bribing Your Kids

Are you a parent who has been at your wits’ end because your child’s behavior?

Threats, coercion, kindness have all failed you! You stooped to pleading, begging, praying, and even crying. So you had no choice and resorted to…bribery!

I’ve met exactly…ZERO parents that have never bribed their child!

It often starts when you have to potty train your first child. They get a reward for going potty! Yeah, everybody’s happy! Everything is awesome (queue the Lego song).  Then, over time, the child realizes that he wants the reward more than actually enacting the correct behavior. Thus, the reward that’s previously only come after the right behavior is demonstrated — starts to come before the behavior. Your child gets this, you don’t. So, your child begins with requests that later turn into demands. To get the behavior, you resort to the bribe. This, now,  works everywhere—even as the child ages.

Sometimes we call bribes “rewards,” “treats,” “goodies” or maybe even “a break!” Part of us realizes we shouldn’t, but the bottom line is that sometimes it’s just easier to give in. We justify that it’s not really a battle worth fighting. Here’s the problem–your child didn’t know he/she could receive a bribe until you did it for the first time!

The problem with bribery is that it leads to habit-forming behavior in both the parent and the child. 

A bribe is a pacifier. A short term solution. A bribe is material flattery. With age, bribery reinforces rampant materialism, whereupon the teenager is neither impressed or affected by your bribes. Failed bribery resorts to threats. Threats escalate. Rebellion becomes open war in your home. You think, seriously, “will my little bribes to my toddler really cause them to rebel when they are a teenager?”

It’s more the cause-and-effect behavior that you are reinforcing and the fact that you are willfully giving up your authority in the home the parent. I have seen many children usurp parental authority because rather than “fighting”, the parent constantly caves to the demands of the child/teenager.

Parents, “standing your ground” does not have to equal a “fight.” But if you create a pattern of “giving ground” and “giving in” to the child’s demands and resort to bribery, then you are setting your home up for open rebellion and battles over control as the child ages. Children must recognize the authority in the home at an early age. When they do not, it is within them to want to become their own authority, shirk responsibility and flee accountability.

There is a difference between a reward and a bribe. A reward comes as a result of right behavior. A bribe is used to predict or encourage behavior. A reward reinforces long-term obedience and future behaviors. A bribe reinforces short-term immediate acquiescence.

Here is a verse from the Book of Exodus, “And you shall take no bribe, for a bribe blinds the clear-sighted and subverts the cause of those who are in the right” (23:8). What then does a bribe do? (a)  A bribe creates blindness and deception in the life of your family and (b) subverts what you are actually trying to accomplish (right behavior).

When you bribe your children you are short-cutting the discipline process. Discipline, or in this usage, training, is a critical process that begins with the reception of your child. Every child is a born rebel, yet each with a different fingerprint, DNA code and personality. Train your children with an unique understanding of each child and with God’s word.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6, ESV).

Too many Christian parents don’t know God’s word, so they don’t train their children in it. Disney Channel is not their trainer, but in your home it might be!

There is a lie sown in our culture that there is a “right of passage” when our kids hit their teenage years. “Let the sow their wild oats,” the world says. A little rebellion is okay, after all we’ve all done it, right? No.

There are too many rebellious toddlers that grow into rebellious adolescents that grow into rebellious adults. It’s time to return to training our children according to the Word of God. Stop letting our neighbors, school boards, television channels, and afternoon talk show hosts teach us how to train our children. Stop pacifying your children by bribery and start loving them by training them up.

Your grandchildren will thank you. Your neighbors will thank you. Their teachers and coaches will thank you. Future employers will thank you. The police will thank you. But, most of all, one day…when they have their own children…they may thank you!

 What do you think?